February 7, 2008

essentially animal, and what to do with all the agression

sadness. chemical imbalance. whichever you could call it.
i wont listen to you.

feeling agony for no apparent reason. no fucked childhood. nothing. only an imaginative one with endless possiblity. and that is nowhere the so called problem. but a developed internal pain that never subsides and i cant identify. and it stemmed from nowhere. and i just want the shit to stop.

the drugs. it started to give myself an acutal probelm. i yearned for a problem. some form of justification. that maybe this will become my reason for depression, and not just nothing unnessary inside. what i could place the blame on. the paralyzing shame. allowing yourself to create it. to hope that sadness is coming from somewhere else and not just you yourself. the reason to attach to. of course your new found system of pain is what has come to cause you the most pain you ever imagined.

all these created problems, your defenses. these addictions. only to make us feel better temporalily. sooth us and put us to sleep. or elevate our every thought to its best possible state.
mentally, emotional, physically. building false images of ourselves. of security. only to keep us more dead. looking in the guns direction. its not that we want to die. more as in feeling as though we could at any moment.

if we could free for one moment...and catch a glimpse of our true situation, we may be horrified or pleased. our bodies are controlling cages. and were all living in a crazy, backwards world. often unware of all the lies and messages were projecting. and were all working together to build a defensive way of living. and ussualy we dont know what we are missing because we dont allow ourselves to taste any difference. turning our backs on the real feelings, the real desires and floating into self denial.. the real self destructive process in the make. and ive begun to believe being free cannot exsist. mind entrapment doesnt ever decease. and i will continue to pray there is no god.

this demoralization of a society built upon cliches. the difference between your real feelings and those role-determined feelings we feel the need to project. only forms of dishonesty. feeling the need to cry for say...death. when maybe thats not exactly what will/or needs to come out of you. iorhtietrwae6yeruyorht i dont what else to say reaally.

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