July 3, 2009

Michael Jackson. A long, but must read.


The person,
skip the legend.

A hauntingly tormented, yet inconceivable loving heart...
in constant turmoil. A heart that would grow so big, only to be dissected so maliciously. A heart that would break itself over and over again, till it finally won. Eight days ago ironically, it did.

A heart trying to recover any fragile piece, it could be put back in stride. A heart tossed around like a toy, battling to find itself- in its own right place. A heart destroyed by its inadequacy to just BE, a heart that wanted so much, and, a world that took it all.

Life of epic proportions, cant be written of
in some brief paragraphs. I encourage you to read
if your interested. Insight/views on events,
his passing, and mainly; this man's incomparable
humanity. I honestly know in my gut, Michael
was an amazing human being. Most opinions can get
rather controversial when it comes to such the
"rise and fall" But I truly feel, I somewhat personally
understand, the notoriously misunderstood Michael Jackson.

At first it didn't hit me... I somewhat forgot the humility, sympathy, and sadness I always felt for Michael in the later years. 7 days later, I feel strangely devastated. Upon actually sitting and watching the news for hours, the tragedy hit me somewhat hard, and I began to hysterically cry several different times.

I remember always being a defender of Michael. After the
"living with Michael Jackson"
documentary aired, I still didn't think
he came across
as crazy, as millions thought.

Michael knew no normalcy. Famous before you've hit puberty,
to much to fast
blah blah blah. But, the horror of his fathers
mentality towards him, the
extreme mental/physical abuse all
happening, WHILE your a child, with no life GEARED
for a child,
pretty much deemed him tortured for the rest of his teen,
and adult life.

Personally, I think Michael is asexual. Seems like he struggled
quite a bit
with seeing himself as an attractive black solo star,
and could only
really portray that image on stage
or when in his 'zone'. His only escape.

He's always been quite shy,
soft spoken, and
heart-heartbreakingly insecure.
He obviously hated the face
he saw in the mirror.
I think who Micheal really wishes he was,
and could never be, was his stage persona. The confident,
slick performer
with the thrusts and sexual moves/lyrics.
Yet I think sex scared him to death.
True or not, his reveal
of loosing his virginity to tatum o neal, in the thriller
era, and
remembering being scared out of his wits...his facial/manly
and painful shyness, made the event I presume,
very awkward and just plain
horrible for him. He couldn't
see himself in the sexual manner many women
at the time did.
His other stories of his brothers having sex in the same room

with him when he was still a little, sunshine singin Michael,
I think disturbed him poignantly.

At a frail naive age, he got a very frightened complex
about sex.
And being so insecure with appearance,
he probably felt to embarrassed,
to much pressure,
to enjoy any of it, once he was 20 or so.
He lost
his virginity pretty late, and because he held off so long,

his lack of experience he feared, would just be a humiliation.
Especially when he was starting to be named a young sex
who COULD be that way on screen/stage, but could
not portray such in his own real life. Because of such the
contrary identities, he figured the expectations from
would be rather high, and he knew he was clueless when it came
down to it.
Sorry this is repetitive. Not trying to sound all
intelligent, I just write how
I think in my mind. which repeats
itself like a carousel.
Ok, so he got it over with.
I believe he admitted that even after,
he hated it. And I think
for the above reasons. Seems like most
stars get as much as
they can, all the backstage girls waiting,
the countless 70-80s
rockers that 'personal numbers' would fill a stadium.

The difference is, there fame gave them a huge amount
of confidence,
where Micheal, seemed to just feel more
pressure. Further struggling to be who he wanted,

and who the world wanted him to be.

By no means is Michael insane. He has extreme dysformic
disorder about his
appearance, yes. He made a whimsy
peterpan land for himself and children, yes.
He had a chimp
(so what?), yea, he married lisa marie, yea, he made a
with a surrogate so he could have the children he longed for,
he says weird things when on the spotlight, yea,
he rocked his baby- named blanket (like there aren't budget ass
celebrities naming there new kid "frog"),

so he'd stop crying (notice the baby DID stop) yea, he had a
problem with
extreme spending as he did HAVE an abundance,
sure, he masked his children
from the media and public,
yes makes sense to me actually (when
your kids come home
crying saying there being called wacko jacko, added to
media scrutiny hes already deals with over kids) he showed his

baby to fans chanting to see him, in a rather clusty way, yea.
think in such a hyper situation of demanding fans, its a head rush,
of course he didn't mean to create a dangerous situation.
If I was some famous
icon, and i was in my hotel room,
just had a baby, and 100 excited fans with signs
are going crazy, crying, yelling my name, going nuts to see me,

yea I'd go out on the balcony and make there night.
Why not. If they started
clapping and saying "I LOVE YOU!!!" and
"Show us the new baby!!", I think being
excited myself,
maybe I would want to share that with some gathered fans.

Since Micheal did want to protect the newborns face
from the public, I think he
held the baby so strangely,
because hes only got two hands jesus christ, and hes trying to
the dam thing covered, yet still give a peek to the fans.
Its understandable.

Maybe it seems like I'm spinning all his manic and bizarre
behavior into
"no were the weird ones", but I do really think
most of the documentary was so blown
up, and the aftermath
was just, ridiculously harsh. The man is sane. The man
a lot of issues, but that doesn't mean hes crazy.
We all have issues, a lot of them, and if you multiply that scale
by ten, as your adding worldwide fame, you get issues that would
grab onto someone like Michael.

The only thing I find really questionable is the skin.
I think if he had
the skin disease he says he has, he would have
spotting marks, I don't know
if you could turn stark white, with
no signs you were black. But i'm no expert
on the subject, so it
could be possible. Yet I think that given his extreme
issues with
his face, I wouldn't put it past him, if he did some strange skin

dying thing. Ive never heard of such being done? How that would
work, last,
what, bleach? Wouldn't that burn you up? What the hell
would dye your entire body,
super pale white, from black?
I even cant think of a plausible answer. I mean,
he takes off his
shirt in videos, concerts, and he has no blotching?
Which either
tells me, he did something reallllyyy weird, OR he really
from a rare skin condition. Which would make the umbrella
not so 'wacko'

I'm not so sure he WANTED to be a white man. Wanted to look
feminine even, as
he later did. (the eyeliner, red lip stain)

Dysformic body image disorder, mainly in anorexic cases,
is a real,
and very painful disorder. Micheal had it bad with
his face obviously.
Once he got the first nose job, he just
got hooked. He couldn't see
he looked perfectly fine, instead
he saw a monster. And thus the disorder
starts to really take
over the mind. Detaching it from the norm of society, and
that reality of society. You don't see that your 75 pounds,

you see your 150. You get addicted to achieving the YOU,
YOU can
only see in your head. And no one else has box seats,
so they think you've gone mad, they dont know the goal
your trying to reach, that you BEILIVE you can. They see the
disorder in working mode, and the delusions it comes with.
Michael never would have been happy with his face.
The surgery, the numerous attempts at facial harmony...
its a fine line, michael really really ran over.
He was ok with
the first nosejob probably, but still haunted by the fact it
could be better, he figured
, a second would do just that,
and so on so fourth. It kinda parallels his young career.
Told he had to practice till be was better and better, and
it was never enough for his father. That corrupt mental
thinking scarred him, to not only sing, perform better,
be better, but to make everything better. Targeting his
biggest nemesis, his face. Till he
warped it so much,
that it was, well... scary to look at.

A real victim of his own want to be attractive and FEEL
he ended up, looking ironically, like an alien.
I also think some of his facial issues, were results of his dad.
He might of saw so much of his cruel father, when he
in that mirror, that anything even relating to
the man,
he wanted to completely distach from.
And he most definitely did.

I can relate VERY much, as I have suffered from anorexia,
and being chubby, but to the point where I thought
I was obese, and would hide in big clothes for 5 years.
Even around my parents, even when sleeping. I created
a brutal and exhausting complex about my body. And it
controlled a good amount of my life from 10-20 years old.
May sound petty, but its nothing to be underestimated.
The petty factor, has not much to do with it. It stems
from many other things and IS NOT even really about,
wanting to be skinny. Ive been on both sides of the
spectrum. The insecure, suicidal, obsessive compulsive,
lonely, to the narcissistic bordering on death, toooo
skinny, promiscuous, moron. And being super skinny,
I was still...unhappy. The weight was never the underlying
problem. It never is.

And when you can have everything you want in the
entire world, and you still find, you are so sad.
Well, FUCK? Its pretty awful when you realize,
the real problems still sit where you sat a year ago.

Anyways, whats is so bizarre to people, is really more
misinterpreted, and quite sad. Making yourself your
own prisoner.... is about as sad as it gets. In my
humble opinion.
People never WANT to go to jail,
be locked up forever...
Yet we ourselves, with our
natural freedom, actually voluntarily
make ourselves
prisoners. And its such a dam waste. Ive always been

very susceptible to pain of others, unusably highly
sensitive and caring, because of my own
past, and
that does put a slander on my point of view. But till
its happened
to you, how could you understand.
Or if it has happened to you, and
you've made it
through, and now look down on those who cant,
just because you did... GO YOU

Micheal was such such a good person, with a heart to big.
I think
just as his brother said, the world wasn't
ready for Micheal.
Our world by nature, cant help but
turn good, into some kind of abhor.
Cant help but
slant words spoken, cant help but take and take.

Neverland, his own creation of the perfect, adventurous,
magical dream;
his vision, what he built, imagined,
and cared so deeply about.
Finally making his deleted
childhood a reality. The carousel, ferris wheel,
ice cream fountains, gardens, etc, turned some kind of
fucking kittie porn castle.
Made into a devious place,
a lure, a wacko installment.
And it was shat on.
Its disgusting how
such a miraculous wondrous place,
could be deconstructed so dis-stainfully.
I agree with Michael
when he said,
ITS NOT SEXUAL. Were the ones making
sexual. And I believe, we did. I really don't buy the
molestation charges. I believe Michael. Again
not much normality, he would say things that were

honestly innocent, and had no idea he came across a
certain way.
Because HE KNEW how much he loved
and cared about children, as
he was never a fulfilled
one. He felt there pain, he wanted to be there,
wanted a world that loved, a world that sadly
doesn't exist.

He finally, got to have it all. And they took it just like that.
It was taken away abruptly when he was that
innocent little boy.
and just when he freed himself,
to live that detrimental part of life just once,
they took it.
And that child yearning to exist, died all over again.

They took and they took, till there was nothing left to take,
but the man
so continuously humiliated. As if his life,
the whole
thing, was just one big mockery born.

That smiling little boy singing ben breaks my heart the most.
Micheal loved that rat and cared about him no matter
what it looked like
or who said it was a stupid pest,
what everyone else thought was an un deserving rodent.

They didn't see it as he did, that maybe they'd think

twice, if they knew how special he was.

Michael was such a deeply special person. The ones who
care the most, hearts
are just to big, feel the most.
Strongly sensitive to the pain and
sadness, everywhere
in this world. And there hearts aches for everyone
so strongly,
they forget about there own happiness.

In ways, I don't know if Michael really knew,
just how special, and how loved he was.

And like most tragedies,
the one he wanted to love him the most,
never truly could communicate such.

I love you Michael, the Michael you never thought good enough,
attractive enough, perfect enough. All your 'flaws', clumsy nature,
those words that cant manifest into accurate sense at times,
that smile, where I can see all the passion, care, and hope, you carry.
Its your gift, you were designed to impart onto others. And
although some did not reciprocate your gestures,
the global world, as a whole, DID. That unstoppable light
your presence beamed, is eternal. Another life, another land,
somewhere far better, has always understand you,

commended your caring spirit, and applauded
the magic and hope, you created for more then so many

A genius, is always misinterpreted.

Micheal understood the human condition,
more then most of us.
The importance of being nurtured, praised, and always making sure,
one knows they are unconditionally loved.


Nina said...

Thank you for writing this. I too felt a void as I heard the news. My 12 yo son, who has recently discovered Michael Jackson, also was affected. A new bond between mother and son.
Thank you for opening your heart.

Teena said...

Thank you for this... This is Exactly how I feel. I'm still in shock...
Poor Michael. I really felt for him, through all that he has been through. This world is such a cruel place. I can't even imagine all the pain that he has felt throughout his life. I feel so sad that such a gentle, kind person had to be subject to so much of its harshness, and to such an extreme degree.

little room la said...

wow thank you for this!! it puts things into perspective.

Petunia+Poppy said...

i completely agree with this. i've seen so many blogs that "pay their respects" to michael by saying rest in peace and at the end of the post they say things like "even if he was a wierdo". i just think HOW DISRESPECTFUL. does anyone stop to think about him and what he went through in his life. he didn't have a life. he had no idea what it was like to be normal. had he grown up in a different home, i think he would have been so much happier. fame, sex, money. he dealt with these things at way too young of an age and in an extreme amount compared to the rest of the world. no one can really know what he went through and he's probably a whole lot happier not being on the earth anymore. the world is too hateful. thank you for your post. it pays respect to him rather than making fun of him.

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LETICIA said...

make me cry again
Michael is a miracle in our world
too good for this world

Michaela Dawn said...

You have articulated all that I thought, your words spell it out, simple and true...

Thanks for your insight and sharing the raw nature of it with those who care to read... and it was a very insightful essay, heartbreaking as you say...

Micheal was an angel dear... and I think as you do about him.

You are an old soul, little lady

BTW: Found you through Alicia Bock...

Your work is enchanting to say the least, sorry this comment writing is so insufficient to convey how I really feel, but this will have to do...

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